Here I am right now visiting a hospital with my dad who’s exhibiting signs of appendicitis. Lounging around here in the waiting room reminds me of why I got out of emergency medicine in the first place. Dealing with people on a regular basis, especially people who have an entitlement mentality, is very trying on my patience (no pun intended).

Anyway, I’m hoping things turn out well, and that it’s not appendicitis. Yeah, it’s a fairly routine illness, and surgery isn’t always necessary, so the chances are good that we’ll be out of here soon with no complications.

I miss you.

To celebrate, I took my dad to an Ethiopian restraunt in Southwest Houston.  He’d never had Ethiopian before, so it was a good experience for him.  I wanted to take him to a movie, but there weren’t any decent movies playing – which seems to be par for the course for the last few months.

In addition to the 40th anniversary, we’re now coming up on 7 months since Star passed away.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem that long ago.  Other times, I feel as though she’s been gone forever.

I guess time truly does fly.

It’s been said that one does not truly appreciate someone until that someone is gone from one’s life. I now know this sentiment to be true. At times, when my mind is quiet and has time to focus on things without the pressures of daily life, I find my thoughts turning to Star. I miss the little things about her I never fully appreciated before: her laugh, her wit, and that intangible, unquantifiable trait that makes us all unique human beings.

Star had led a hard life – an abusive husband, an injury inflicted in a case of random violence, traitorous in-laws who stole her children out from under her, among other things. The troubles of her life culminated with a particularly vile and relentless form of cancer which ultimately stole her from her friends and her family. Through it all, though, she never gave up, never quit fighting for her life and for those she loved. Even as her body was failing, her will never surrendered to despair or depression.

The hardest part about having lost someone you love is having to adjust to the loss of opportunities to say important things. Suddenly, little things – words like her ever-cheerful “hey, Bubba” – take on entirely new level of meaning, a new level of importance. Just thinking that I’ll never again hear those words as only she could say them bores a hole in my heart that hurts as few things have ever hurt before.

All that aside, thought, I can handle losing Star; that’s not really a problem for me. The added weight of dealing with the family is what’s making it more difficult. Among my family, I’m the strong one – able to shrug off anything with ease. In many cases this is true, after all, our past prepares us for the present. I like to think I’m handling Star’s death pretty well, all things considered, but I have to worry about the members of my family who aren’t as strong as I. PJ is having bouts of depression for which he’s having to take medication, Dad is doing everything to try and hide from it, and Mom, who has suffered more than anyone else I know, has pretty much lost her will to live. Added to this is Star’s son Dustin who has made some serious mistakes in his life, and needs mature and reliable guidance to get his life back on track.

Even my near-endless reserve of emotional strength has its limits. In the past, I’ve carried greater weights but for much shorter periods of time. This situation is more like an emotional endurance trial. I’m not yet approaching the limits of my endurance, but if things continue the way they are, it will eventually happen. It worries me that my strength will fail at a time when someone really needs me.

And this brings me back to Star. I know she drew a lot of her strength from me. She once mentioned that I was her motivation to keep going. She knew I wouldn’t give up if I were in her shoes. I found that comment kind of ironic because I was doing the same thing with her – I gave her my strength, she mutilplied it and sent it back to me. I never truly appreciated it until she was gone. I appreciate it now.

I love you, Star, and I miss you.

There were too many to put up here, so I’m posting a link to my website.

Lots of family pictures.

Community Memorial Funeral Home
1443 N. 2nd
Abilene, Tx. 79601

The funeral will be on Thursday, Apr. 20th, and will consist of a graveside service at Garden of Memory in Trent, Tx.

Born: Jan. 13, 1969
At Peace: 11:10am, Apr. 18, 2006